he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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