I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
