its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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