I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
