Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
