When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
