we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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