I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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