i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
