Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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