we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
