I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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