i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I supernannyed him into submission
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
