where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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