I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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