He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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