My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
