I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
he thought i was a dude.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Randomize
