I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
