I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
