Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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