I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
