I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm experimenting with sincerity
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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