Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
