All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
