so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
