theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm having to shit out rocks
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