Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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