it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
