its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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