If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
