i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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