just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
