She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
