currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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