you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
As shirtless as possible
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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