Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
