My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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