At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
