we have officially lost it.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
