Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
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Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
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I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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