I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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