By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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