do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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