Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
