whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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