I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
