I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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