Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
