So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
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She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
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You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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