he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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