i already hear my dad disowning me
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
