i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
