Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
