IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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