its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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